


is life something like that?

by yerimdarling



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Hallucinations, Homophobia, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, Religion, Religious Guilt, Suicidal Thoughts, i love you kang seulgi, it's 3am this is probably badly edited sorry, lapslock, past seulrene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 18:11:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18628564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yerimdarling/pseuds/yerimdarling
Summary: kang seulgi feels like the river styx. heart jet black, killing everything she touches.(kang seulgi is for sure going to hell.)





	is life something like that?

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i have literally not written anything in so long and then i read [ come drown, it's a rhythym you know by dissintegrate](HTTPS://ARCHIVEOFOUROWN.ORG/WORKS/13623411) and wanted to write in this style again. so here we are!  
> i listened to [ life by rm](HTTPS://WWW.YOUTUBE.COM/WATCH?V=SLG_X43HVR0) the whole time i was writing this hehe  
> tw; depression, suicide/sucidial thoughts (minor but there), homophobia, abuse (emotional)

_-revelation_

she wakes up at two in the morning thinking about heaven. 

she had been three when she first learned. her mom had told her, her voice sweet as candy and soft as velvet. heaven is the ultimate goal. in heaven, you will be happy forever. her mother painted a beautiful picture- one of soft clouds and a smiling eternity. 

seulgi wasn’t so sure now. forever scared her now. she’d rather fade to black than preserve her memory in some pearly paradise. she wanted to be forgotten. 

were heaven and hell the same thing? 

she cries herself to sleep and dreams of white hot fire licking at her heels. 

_-wishing_

the next day, she sees a girl she thinks might be heaven. she’s smiling, laughing with her friends. she tucks a strand of black hair behind her ear and seulgi feels like one of those cartoon characters, the ones with stars circling their heads. 

she thinks the girl might be hell, too. she’s hellfire as a person, her smiles just one more death sentence. 

seulgi doesn’t want to go to hell. she really, really doesn't want to go to hell. 

_-court_

seulgi’s mom visits her that night. she’s dressed like a lawyer, a binder clutched tight in her hands. her back never touches the couch as she spreads her damning evidence over the coffee table. 

“you sinned today, kang seulgi,” she says. her voice is shaking with anger (or is it fear? seulgi can never tell anymore). 

“mom, i didn’t mean to, it won’t happen again-” 

“you say that every time and yet you continue to let these...feelings develop. you’re going to go to hell. do you want to burn? do you want that?” seulgi mutters an answer. it’s not good enough.“respond to me!”

“no, i don’t want to burn,” she says, making her voice solid again. 

she feels like the river styx. heart jet black, killing everything she touches. 

“you’re sure not acting like it,” her mom snarls. seulgi retreats back into herself, closing her eyes tight. she wants to sink into the ground. she wants to be the one poisoned, not the one poisoning. 

“i said i’m sorry. i said i won’t do it again.” 

“i know you’ve been doubting heaven lately. i know you don’t want to believe in it. but kang seulgi, if you stop believing, you will suffer permanently. think about that a little.” her mom leaves, slamming the door. her papers are still spread over the table. seulgi picks one up like it might shatter. it’s filled with one word written in a handwriting that’s not her mother’s- sinner. 

_-imaginative_

“my mother visited last night.” seulgi says. sooyoung leans forward in her chair, twirling a pen between her fingers. 

“did she?” sooyoung sounds surprised. “how did that go?”

“she was dressed like she was going to go to court and she had this huge binder. she put it on the table and all these papers spilled out- they looked like evidence at first, but they just had sinner written all over them. i- she confronted me. about my feelings.” 

“you mean your attraction to women.” sooyoung says matter of factly. the phrase almost makes seulgi gag, but she nods instead. 

“you see, i saw this girl at the mall the other day. she made...she made me feel. and my mom came and told me i was a sinner and that at this point i wanted to burn. and...and then she left.” seulgi figures that’s a good place to end the story. she doesn’t want to admit that she’s been scared of heaven lately. so scared that she’s doubting its existence.

“your mom isn’t very supportive.” sooyoung states. seulgi rolls her eyes. 

“very observant of you.” she scoffs. sooyoung smiles slightly.

“when was the last time you saw anyone, seulgi?” 

“well, i’m seeing you right now.” 

“no, that’s not what i meant. i guess i should be more clear.” sooyoung puts the pen down on the table, then picks it up again. “when was the last time you saw joohyun?” 

“i made it very clear that i do not want to see joohyun again, thank you very much.” seulgi snaps. her back isn’t touching the couch anymore. 

“why? she didn’t do anything wrong. you didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“i did! i did do something wrong! i sinned! is it so hard to understand that i don’t want to see the reason i’m going to hell ever again?” there’s a silence for a minute as sooyoung thinks. 

“joohyun is your only friend, seulgi. did you go to the mall alone yesterday?” seulgi looks down, embarrassed. 

“yeah.” she mutters. 

“you don’t sound very sure about that.” sooyoung says. it reminds seulgi of her mom, and she reaches into her pocket, running her fingers across the crumpled paper. 

“yeah, i did.” seulgi says. sooyoung smiles sweetly and writes something down in her notebook. 

“i’m going to refer you to this program. it’s meant to help mentally ill people emerge from self isolation. do you have any complaints?” seulgi shakes her head. she might be the deadly river styx, but maybe she can keep someone on the shore. sooyoung smiles again, and it looks a little more genuine this time. 

_-new_

seulgi downloads the app sooyoung suggested as soon as she gets home. she doesn’t feel anything as she fills in her information- no excitement, no nervousness. it’s just another thing she’ll do to keep sooyoung happy and her away from those locked doors. 

she meets someone named seungwan. the girl has this sort of brown-blonde hair and chubby cheeks. they’re the same age and she looks harmless enough, so they make plans to get coffee. seulgi says goodbye, shuts off her phone, and throws it onto her bed. dreams dance through her head- her mom yelling at her, the crumbled paper in her pocket, the girl at the mall. heaven. hell. living, dying, the afterlife. 

she doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. she wants to die, for real. no heaven, no hell, just the end. 

suicide is a sin, you know. 

_-coffee_

seungwan looks younger in real life. chubbier cheeks, a round face framed by bangs. she stands at least a head shorter than seulgi, too. when seulgi waltzes in to the coffee shop, looking utterly confused, the girl stands and waves. seulgi would smile if she wasn’t so nervous. 

seungwan orders some sort of fancy vanilla latte that’s more whipped cream than caffeine. seulgi orders a plain black coffee and gets a dirty look for the barista for it. 

“you get your coffee black?” seungwan says, a note of disbelief in her voice. seulgi nods, adding a tiny bit of sugar to her drink. 

“yeah. i like to pump the caffeine straight into my bloodstream.” she replies, making seungwan laugh. she’s cute, but not too cute. for once, seulgi doesn’t feel like a sinner. she feels like a normal girl who’s going to heaven, on a little coffee date with her friend, stressing about exams rather than eternal damnation. 

“so are you going to tell me your life story, or do i start?” seungwan asks, taking the lid off her latte. seulgi thinks, taking another scalding sip of hers. 

“you start.” seulgi decides. she trusts seungwan, but not enough to go first. 

“oh. okay. i, um, i got diagnosed with severe clinical depression when i was 17. it’s been a problem ever since. i did a lot of laying in bed and skipping school- i still do, i guess, but it’s not as bad. i finally found a med that works. anyway, when i was only leaving my room, like, twice a year, i lost all my friends. my therapist recommended this for me, and yeah. now i’m here.”

“have you ever been-” seulgi looks around suspiciously, as if one of the other customers is listening to their every word. when she deems it safe, she leans in. “in the hospital?”

“oh, you mean inpatient?” seungwan laughs a little, and it’s obviously nervous. “yeah, i have. twice. alright, it’s your turn.” seulgi recites everything seungwan needs to know about her mess of a mental state-diagnoses, reason for isolation, meds she’s on, amount of hospitalizations. seungwan’s eyes get progressively wider as she goes on.

“yeah, and that’s it.” seulgi finishes, taking in the look on seungwan’s face. shocked is an understatement. she obviously wasn’t expecting how much baggage the one and only kang seulgi came with. 

“wow. just...wow. i don’t know how you’re still functioning,” seungwan says. 

“i’ll tell you my secret- i’m not.” 

_-court pt two_

seulgi’s mom visits again. she’s wearing a dress this time- a classy one. it hangs down by her ankles and swishes whenever she walks. she doesn’t have a binder this time, but her back still doesn’t touch the couch. 

“kang seulgi, you have a new friend.” she says. seulgi nods. her mom smiles. it’s cold and calculated and doesn’t reach her eyes. “do you remember what happened the last time you had a friend?” 

“i- yes, i do. but that wasn’t my fault.” seulgi says. her mom’s eyes widen. 

“what do you mean, not your fault! you kissed her! you held her hand and tied her hair back and told her everything would be okay and you kissed her some more! you only stopped because i made you!” 

“i- mom, i-” 

“i don’t want to hear it. i just want you to wipe joohyun from your memories. pretend it was all a nightmare, but you’re awake and pure now. and don’t you dare try anything with that seungwan girl, hear me?” 

“yes mom. i hear you.” she was defeated. she was poison, the river styx, and joohyun had already drowned in the murky water. she had to keep seungwan on the edges. she had to keep seungwan untainted. 

her fingers run over the crumbled paper in her pocket. she wants to take it out, read out every single word again and again and again until her vocal cords snap. instead, she looks into her mom’s eyes and thinks about how painful fire is. 

_-too much_  
“i think i have a friend.” seulgi says. sooyoung smiles triumphantly and scribbles something in her notebook. “her name’s seungwan. i met her through the app you told me about. she’s nice- really nice. not threatening. i don’t feel like i’ve sinned around her.”

“that’s great news!” sooyoung exclaimed. seulgi smiled, just a little bit. maybe she only kept sooyoung happy to stay out of the psych ward, but she did feel a little pull of happiness sometimes. “has your mom visited since we last talked?” seulgi’s face fell. she didn’t feel quite so happy anymore. 

“yeah. she told me not to let what happened with joohyun happen with seungwan. she told me the whole joohyun thing was my fault. she didn’t stay that long, i guess. didn’t bring a binder.” 

“the second time she’s visited in the span of a week? that’s a little worrying, seulgi.” 

“it’s fine. it’s not too bad. i can deal with it.” 

“you say that every time this starts again.” 

“yeah, and i’m right every time. you just throw a fit and send me to the hospital.” 

“seulgi, you know why i send you to the hospital when your mom starts showing up.” 

“i told you, i can deal with it! it’s not that big of a deal!” 

“it is that big of a deal when she’s there in the first place. it’s an even bigger deal when all she does is call you a sinner and tell you that everything you do is going to get you sent to hell.” sooyoung said firmly. seulgi sighed and leaned back in her chair. she wasn’t going to win this one. it was hard to win fights against therapists. 

“fine, okay. it’s a problem. is this the part where you force me into inpatient?” seulgi asks, throwing up her arms. sooyoung gently takes the end of the pen between her teeth as she thinks.  
“tell me more about joohyun. all i know is you liked her and you kissed her and now you don’t talk to her because you feel like a dirty sinner.”

“correction, i am a dirty sinner. and i didn’t want to stop talking to her or kissing her. my mom made me.” 

“your mom did?”

“yeah. she came with maybe the biggest binder i have ever seen her with, plus a huge laptop. she yelled at me from ten at night until two in the morning. it was maybe one of the scariest things i’ve ever been through.”

“i didn’t know that.” 

“of course. i never told you.”

“okay, back to joohyun. i want to hear about her. how did you guys meet?” 

“i was...sixteen, maybe? my friend invited her to this picnic he was having. when i first saw her, i was stunned. she was just so...beautiful. but i just told myself that i wanted to be her and started talking to her anyway. we became close- really close. even when i fell out with the guy who invited me to the picnic in this first place, we still were friends. i was twenty four when everything happened. we were at a party together, and she just looked beautiful. she had her hair done up in this certain way, and- mom?” sooyoung, surprised, snaps her head around. seulgi’s mom is at the door, hair done up in the same way joohyun’s had been at that party. she stares at seulgi for a minute, judgement clear in her eyes. 

“ _disgusting sinner_ ,” she whispers. the words pierce through seulgi like a knife. her mom slowly closes the door, and seulgi looks up at sooyoung, her eyes teary. 

“your mom was there?” sooyoung’s voice is full of urgency- panic, even. sooyoung never panicked, not in front of her clients. “your mom’s never intruded on our sessions.” 

“i haven’t seen my mom outside of my apartment in- i don’t know how long. a long time.” seulgi whispers. sooyoung sucked in air through her teeth as she wrote in her notebook. 

“what did she say?” sooyoung asks. 

“she just looked at me for a while. and then she called me a disgusting sinner. that’s it. that’s it. that’s all.” a tear slips down seulgi’s cheek, then another. when was the last time she had cried? she didn’t know. 

“i didn’t realize how bad it was getting, seulgi.” seulgi ignored the comment and continued on with her joohyun story, voice shaky with tears. 

“she had her hair done up this one way, and she looked beautiful. so i kissed her, and she kissed me back. for a month or two we were in an unofficial relationship, i guess. kissing and hand holding, all that. of course, i was always thinking about hell. going to hell, ending up in hell, hell, hell, hell. but being with joohyun felt like heaven. then my mom came back and yelled at me and i blocked her number and never saw her again.” 

“seulgi, you really didn’t have to continue.” sooyoung’s voice is soft and empathetic, almost like the way heaven’s clouds felt against bare feet. “let’s make a deal. if you see your mom more than once this week, we’ll talk about inpatient. anything other than that and i’ll keep you out of it, okay?” seulgi nods, grabs her bag, and leaves without saying goodbye. 

_-find _  
the pretty girl from the mall pops up on her instagram explore page. she was smiling for the camera, two shining clips in her short black hair. seulgi imagined holding her hand, and her skin danced. it was almost like joohyun all over again.__

__she spends hours scrolling through kim yerim’s instagram, trying to pass off the butterflies in her stomach as jealousy._ _

__she stops when her mom bursts in the room and yells at her. loudly. she;s surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police._ _

__sad. yerim looked good with red hair._ _

___-again and again_ _ _

____her mom visits her twice more that week. every time she’s dressed in business clothes, and every time she yells at seulgi. maybe it’s about joohyun or seungwan or yerim but whatever it is, her words are as scalding as hot coffee._ _ _ _

____seulgi cries more that week than she has in the last six months._ _ _ _

____“i saw her three times this week.” she says to sooyoung. the therapist sighs and smiles, trying to hide her disappointment. to be put together, as therapists should be._ _ _ _

____“i’m going to make an appointment with your psychiatrist. we will need to up your dose of anti-psychotics or change the medicine altogether. and yes, we will need to do an evaluation to see if you need to go to a higher level of care.” she abandons her notebook and pen on the chair and goes to sit next to seulgi, patting the girl on her shoulder. “let’s see if we can get rid of your mom, okay? if we’re lucky, she can stay dead this time.”_ _ _ _


End file.
